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So long for now

This will be my last ever post on this site. It is also, by far, the most personal. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

I think I finally understand the concept of fairytales. As much as they are made to encourage children to read, they are even more supposed to be a warning that teaches them lessons.

I remember one tale in particular about a beautiful princess who had been put under a spell, and it caused her to see the world as something it wasn’t. When she awoke from the spell, she saw the world as it really was. The fantasy world that she had seen had been through “rose-colored glasses” as they say. The true world was ugly and harsh, just like the truth can be.

It’s been brought to my attention that I have turned into a person who I don’t even know anymore. The old *ahem * Carrie was passionate about things. She would start a blog and pour her heart and soul into something, because it mattered to her.

I used to have passion, dammit. I was opinionated, and feisty, and there was such a fire and a passion for leaning that couldn’t be quelled.

 Now, I am merely a shell of my former self. I look back at this blog, at my diary, at my pictures and notes and calanders, and am simply sickened… just utterly disgusted. I can’t even look at this blog without feeling completely horrified.

I can’t account for what has made me the way I am. I would love to be able to blame this on something, like what happened in September, or what happened in the fall….but that would be a lie.

My parents would be disguised. I was not raised this way, and somehow I have become this person.

 

 

I can’t continue with this blog, at least not for now. 

Updates, memories, and Flow

I miss the days when the words would just flow. I went back and read some of my earlier writing from this summer, and I don’t know what it is, but these days I feel like I’m just forcing it. In fact, I can only think of one instance this year when I just sat down and wrote.

It’s something that is so hard to explain to people who aren’t writers. The processs we go through of just sitting down and letting our emotions spill out on the page. When you get it right, you can just keep typing and typing without concern about how it sounds, because you know that you are writing something that flows.

Flow is the biggest component, I think. I know my writing is “on” if it is flowing. And these days, it feels like that flow is…broken.

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I came across a question on Reddit the other day: “If you could erase one thing from your memory, what would it be?”. I texted a few of my friends to see what their responses would be. I expected a lot of comments about specific things, or conversations, or bad memories. Instead, I got this:

 

“probably something small or embarrassing. Nothing big or monumental, though, because I believe that is what makes you who you are”

 

“I wouldn’t change anything. You’ve got to remember the bad times because that’s how you learn and grow”

 

As for me? Well, I told them I would erase the memory of the times I was bullied in Elementary school. That’s not really the truth, though. After reflecting on it, I wouldn’t want to erase the memory of that, because I learned something from that experience. Instead, I would chose something else. I think. But who knows, maybe I would change my mind on that, too.

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For the last four nights, I’ve stayed up way too late studying. Study groups are just so freaking effective, it’s like I’m catching up on all the shit I didn’t do earlier this month. According to Ben, I’ve “been a real go-getter” when it comes to organize group events and bring everyone together. I don’t really know what to think about this. Maybe it’s time to back it off a little bit- then again, with reading week I guess that will be the opportunity to do so.

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In other news, I’m getting sick again. If anyone wants to send me virtual soup, that would be great. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh, and I’m supposed to fly in three days. Flying while sick= The. Worst. 

  I don’t know why, but I feel this need to take something away from every friendship I’ve had. If I haven’t learned anything from the friend, or taken something away from the friendship, I kind of feel like as I get older, the memories I made with that friend are just going to fade away.

 

I guess that’s the standard though. Most of our friends are just people who are in our lives for the moment, hopefully make the moment a better place, and then disappear. But that’s the cycle, right? New people come in for different moments. For different points in your life.

 

But when you can take something away from the friendship, then it’s different.

 

Every time I see Origami, I am reminded of my friend Joanne, who once made me a whole bag full of tiny leapfrogs and Lilly pads because I mentioned how much I like them.

 

Every time I see someone play the piano, I am reminded of two people: firstly, my friend Nathan, because his fingers could just fly. And secondly, Jason, because he has this way of playing that is something to watch- he’ll just stare off into space and just play whatever emotion he’s feeling. It’s quite impressive.

 

 

It’s not only seeing something and being reminded of a specific person, though. It’s skills too.

 

From Ben I can understand a hockey game. I now can look at a screen and somewhat understand what is going on. And how to play soccer. Let’s just hope that skill is expanded upon within the next 8 weeks!! From Ben I leaned the importance of letting go and to take the best out of every situation.

 

From Yash, I learned how to shuffle cards the proper way. And how to deal a poker game. And a basic understanding of cricket. Oh yeah, and how to have my ass handed to me in a snowball fight.

 

From Sanat, I leaned how to play ping pong. Come up with the arm, tilt the paddle down. Just like tennis, I suppose. Oh yeah, and I learned how to pull an all nighter. I don’t know if that’s such a good thing though.

 

And then there’s Maha. Maha who gave me the self-confidence to do things I would never have done in high school. Like wear eyeliner, or a skirt. Maha, who gives me shit when I need it, and advice when I need it even more. Maha, who is the closest friend I’ve ever had in my whole life. I don’t think I have a single secret I wouldn’t hesitate to share with her. Maha, who I will be reminded of in 20 years for the most random reasons- I’ll probably be walking down a grocery isle and see a bunch of air fresheners and just start smiling (although I’m not sure if it’ll be because of the some 200 we have used combined over the last two years or because once I sprayed her woohoo with febreeze). Maha, who taught be more about the world around me than I could ever possibly understand myself. Who introduced me to people who made me better. Who made me better than any of those people combined. I could go on, but it would never end. There is no limit to the amount of pure good that this woman has brought into my life.

 

 

I don’t know where I’m going in my life. I don’t know if that’s such a bad thing. I’m pretty sure that that’s how this is supposed to work, though. No one knows what they’re doing. We’re all just making it up as we go along.

I do know that there is no limit to how much people can grow. There is no limit to how much you can get out of one single encounter. My God, think of how much we could just learn from each other if given the chance.

The possibilities?

Limitless.

…and she LIVED

If you were to ask me how I’ve spent the last month of my life, I would just tell you one thing.

I lived.

I really, really did. I made it a point this month to write down every social event I’ve had. Yeah, I’m weird  but moving on. Literally, every night since January 7th has been a steady stream of poker nights, all nighters, movies, food, talks, laughs… I could go on and on

the last 24 hours are just one example of how perfect things are going these days. Spontaneous baking leads to spontaneous study session. Said study session leads to late-late night dinner cooked with love by me (holy shitcakes I love cooking for people. It’s just so peaceful and perfect) . Dinner lead to group discussions that helped me get through what I’ve been dealing with the last couple weeks.

Then tonight. spontaneous stop by the RC leads to study session, leads to party invitation, leads to laugh-so-hard-my-stomach-hurts snowball fight that has been a loooong time coming.

So now the month is coming to a close, and it’s time to face reality. Time to get back to school and life and I’m going to have to get used to being with only my own company again (If anyone has any tips for any of the above, please tell me).  But none of that matters, because

I LIVED.

 

 

EDIT- February 1st, 2012- Any nail art fans out there? Check out this increadible blog!

http://prettypolishedpaws.blogspot.ca/

here we goooo

It’s starting again. 

This is sooooo not good. 

I am so NOT ready to deal with all of this again. It’s only been two months, can’t I just get a break and be happy and laugh and go out to movies and eat crappy food? 

Just a little one, so I can remember the good times while the bad times drag by?

Can’t I just have one little head start, just to get a few steps ahead of the shit storm that is about to befall me? 

No?

 

Well alright then. Let’s do this.